Friday the 13th Spooktacular Countdown


In honor of Friday the 13th, we bring you our silliest article yet, counting down thirteen of the NFL’s scariest players… and their movie murderer equivalents.

Darius Slay- Jason Vorhees (Friday the 13th)

An unstoppable killing machine who slays (look, if there’s one article where I can get away with the cheap pun it’s this one) his competition. Darius Slay is every bit as implacable as Jason Vorhees… and a whole lot faster, too.

Khalil Mack- Freddy Krueger (A Nightmare On Elm Street)

Able to bend reality to his whim, Freddy Krueger’s got nothing on Khalil Mack, who once made two different positions on the same All Defensive Team. Plus, just like Krueger, Mack spends a whole lot of time in his enemies’ nightmares.

DeForest Buckner- Michael Meyers (Halloween)

Brutally, relentlessly efficient. Can’t be stopped, even by Jaimie Lee Curtis, or the offensive line equivalent thereof.

Von Miller- Pinhead (Hellraiser)

There’s nothing I can really say about Pinhead on a family-friendly site like this one, but Von Miller almost definitely came out of some cursed puzzle-box to torment offenses across the NFL.

Ziggy Ansah- Jack Torrance (The Shining)

Heeeeeeeeeere’s Ziggy! Ansah bursts through offensive lines like good ‘ol Jack through a kitchen door.

Talib Aqib- Ghostface (Scream)

Self-aware and fond of trash-talk, Aqib and Ghostface are no less dangerous for all their chatter.

Earl Thomas- Jigsaw (Saw)

Cerebral, patient, and seemingly put on this planet to inflict the maximum amount of pain in their enemies, Jigsaw and Earl Thomas may not look alike, but they share a passion for precision punishment.

Richard Sherman- Chucky (Child's Play)


Talks a lot, people either love him or hate him, gets results either way.

Kam Chancellor- Norman Bates (Psycho)

Patient and precise, when he strikes, people remember it years after the fact.

Jarrad Davis- The Beast (Split)

He’s young, new, exciting, and tears people apart. Whether or not Davis has a Shyamalan twist coming later in his career, but he’s already treating his opponents like probable future Beast-bait Mr. Glass. 

NaVorro Bowman- Leatherface (Texas Chainsaw Massacre)

 Older than most other players at his position, logically should have gone down years ago, just keeps coming no matter what kind of injury he incurs… a timeless classic.

Bobby Wagner- Pennywise (It)

Bobby’s no clown, but I was running out killers and Pennywise is big right now. Umm… I guess, given that Bobby plays in rain-soaked Seattle…. something something we all float down here?

Marshawn Lynch- Candy Man (Candy Man)

Get it?

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